Anger is expensive

A reflection: The cost of emotional dysregulation is life-long

Imagine playing soccer, and someone fouls you. You fall. You are angry and in pain. Your body is in fight mode as you process the negativity. Your blood sugar spikes as your body floods with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.

Your focus shifts to regulating yourself and coming down for the next few hours, rather than leveling up. The post-game analysis is gone. You don’t want to hear about how you could have taken more shots. The opportunity for internal reflection becomes replaced with external anger.

I had a lot of space to reflect as a child. Reflection is now a well-calibrated tool in my life kit. In the process of reflection, I inspect internally and externally. As I was reflecting on reflection this morning, I realized that I can reflect because I was given space to mess up as a kid. I had emotionally regulated parents who — even in my ugliest of times — didn’t respond to my upsets with upset. They responded with logic and stability. I recall the feeling of saying something awful and retreating to my room where I had to sit with the guilt of my choices because no horrible comments were launched back at me. I didn’t spend any time alone processing anger towards my parents. I spent the time processing disappointment in myself. Often the ick took hours to shed. Until I learned to regulate better and avoid the ick.

As I developed and grew, the moments after screwing up allowed me to evaluate myself. My parents’ tiny (but daily) choices to keep it together resulted in a woman who does not blame others or respond with fear. They resulted in a woman who responds to adversity without the distractions of fear or blame. I built an internal accountability compass.

Now I am a parent. And it is easy to get dysregulated. Whether it is a bad choice of words or a terrible tone, if my kids feel upset by or afraid of me I have failed. Even in the simplest of times. “Pick up your toys, or else!” “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” “What is wrong with you!?” Listen to yourselves, parents. Nasty phrases and tones calcify easily when the power dynamic is imbalanced. 

This lesson translates to the workplace too. If your colleagues cannot predict your behavior and you develop a reputation as someone who responds with emotion, you are stunting your growth.

Emotional regulation is an accelerant to success.

Hi! I am Layla, a founder and exec. I like to write what I learn on a weekly basis. Subscribe for weekly business lessons.