Why emotional wealth outperforms technical skills

If your behavior is unpredictable, if your tone and mood shift often -- you are probably sabotaging yourself

One day, in my (absolutely rootcause-less) teenage rage, I stormed up to the kitchen and berated my mom for something so menial. My mom looked at me, nodded in acknowledgment, and let me get the rage out of my system. I remember going down to my room and feeling horrific. Growing up, my parents never yelled at me. I wasn't always an awesome child, I remember the attitude. But what I remember more is the guilt after my terrible behavior, and the painful reflection. Why couldn't I control my emotions? If my parents had replied with anger, my guilt would have probably been anger instead. And instead of reflecting on my horrific behavior, I probably would have felt justifiably angry.

Because once a dance begins, and the back and forth of nasty interactions gains momentum, it's hard to remember who took the first step. And it's hard to break the dance. And the cost goes far beyond a frayed relationship.

I recall this part of my upbringing as a very silent and elite generational wealth.

After repeating the mistake several times over (kids rarely learn a lesson after one mistake, according to research), I stopped being a jerk. The space to reflect was valuable. It was crystal clear that I was the instigator and my behavior was the issue. My mom’s cool response provided me with a distraction free headspace to recognize my faults. As life continued, my ability to self-regulate developed, and I never mistook opportunities for accountability and reflection for anger. I can recognize when I am wrong.

I also cannot remember a single time that my mom or dad yelled at me — or each other. As a parent of 3 young kids, it’s an incredible thing to recall.

Education often focuses on technical skills. Technical skills are teachable, not inherited. Emotional intelligence can be taught, but it's easiest when inherited. And the impact and ROI is high.

There is an emotional wealth gap, and it is silent.

What if I told you that if you changed one thing, research (across multiple papers) says your kids could have higher job performance, greater job satisfaction, lower job stress, improved leadership, ability to self-regulate, and better ability to process emotions? Would you do it? When was the last time you yelled at your kid? Sorry to inform you that you're already on the wrong path. Every parent wants their kid to be the best at something while potentially sabotaging those very dreams with seemingly minor interactions like yelling.

90% of top performers across industries score high on emotional intelligence assessments.

And EQ accounts for 58% of performance in all job types (Talentsmart). Another study found that emotional intelligence predicts both intrinsic (job satisfaction) and extrinsic (salary) career success, even after controlling for personality traits and proactive personality. This demonstrates that EI adds unique value to professional achievement beyond other psychological factors.

“He who angers you conquers you.” — African Proverb

THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE

My experience isn't just anecdotal. Research consistently shows the profound impact of emotional intelligence on professional success.

• Even more telling, only about 20% of low performers demonstrate high EQ capabilities (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).

EQ isn't just correlated with success — it's causal. The ability to navigate emotions effectively directly impacts decision-making quality, relationship building, and resilience in the face of challenges.

WHAT EQ LOOKS LIKE

Is your behavior predictable? Do you shift the tone of a room and make people more tense? Do you lash out at little things? Are you defensive? You may be self-sabotaging yourself.

This is what EQ looks like:

• Self-awareness - Recognizing your own emotions and how they impact your work performance and interactions with colleagues

• Self-regulation - Managing emotions appropriately in personal and professional settings, staying composed under pressure, and adapting to changing circumstances

• Empathy - Understanding colleagues' perspectives, actively listening to their concerns, and responding with compassion to their needs

• Social skills - Building meaningful relationships, communicating effectively, and navigating workplace dynamics successfully

• Conflict resolution - Addressing disagreements constructively, finding common ground, and maintaining positive relationships despite differences

• Feedback receptivity - Being open to criticism, viewing it as an opportunity for growth, and implementing changes accordingly

• Stress management - Developing healthy coping mechanisms for workplace pressure and maintaining productivity during challenging periods

• Adaptability - Adjusting to new situations gracefully and helping others through transitions or organizational changes

• Inspirational leadership - Motivating team members through genuine connection rather than authority alone

• Cultural sensitivity - Respecting diverse backgrounds and perspectives while creating inclusive work environments

YOUR BODY IS AN OPERATING SYSTEM

EQ is the operating system that keeps you going. And most of the successful founders I know have very high EQ. They can regulate and don't allow emotions to bother the plan. Stress doesn't make them buckle.

Just yesterday I was talking to a founder whom I respect tremendously. Someone very calm and intelligent. And the person revealed that they had started therapy. It was my first time, after over a decade, of hearing them talk about therapy. They went on to say, "Life has periods that are calm, and punctuations that are chaotic. When I went through the trauma of parent loss a while ago, I didn't have the emotional tools or balance to cope. Life is fortunately calm now. We don't learn when we are emotional, we learn when we are calm. So I am learning new skills."

The person was right. If you put your hand in a metal bowl to grab a marble and the bowl is piping hot, your hand will get burned. Your head is the bowl. The idea/thought/situation is the hand dropping the marble. We feel before we think. And if we burn every hand that comes our way, we will never build anything tremendous.

Be a cool bowl.

Our neurological wiring processes emotional responses before rational thought. Neuroscience research confirms that sensory information first travels through the amygdala and limbic system — our emotion-processing centers — before reaching the prefrontal cortex where logical analysis occurs (Davidson & Begley, 2012). This biological reality means that every decision we make is influenced by our emotional state, whether we're conscious of it or not.

What distinguishes high performers isn't emotional suppression but emotional literacy — the ability to recognize, understand, and effectively channel emotional responses toward productive outcomes.

Your emotions are the bridge between you and resilience.

THE 4 DIMENSIONS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Through my own journey and observation of successful leaders, I've come to understand that emotional intelligence isn't a single skill but a multifaceted framework with four essential components:

1. Self-Awareness - The foundation of EQ begins with recognizing your emotional landscape in real-time. This means developing the capacity to name what you're feeling as it happens and understanding how those emotions are influencing your thoughts and behaviors.

2. Self-Management - Once you can identify your emotions, the next step is developing the ability to choose your response rather than reacting impulsively. This dimension involves emotional regulation techniques, impulse control, and maintaining perspective during challenging situations.

3. Social Awareness - This dimension extends beyond personal emotions to accurately reading and interpreting the emotional states of others. It includes empathy, organizational awareness, and the ability to recognize unspoken group dynamics.

4. Relationship Management - The culmination of the other three dimensions, relationship management involves creating productive emotional interactions that build trust, inspire others, enable collaboration, and navigate conflicts effectively.

These dimensions aren't merely theoretical constructs. The four-component model of EI is widely recognized in both academic and applied research. Leaders who excel in these areas consistently outperform their peers, as highlighted by Daniel Goleman and colleagues in their foundational work on leadership and EI (Goleman, Boyatzis & McKee, 2013).

“An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.” — Cato the Elder

THE ROI ON SELF-AWARENESS

Perhaps the most striking EQ statistic relates to self-awareness — the ability to accurately recognize your emotional states and understand their impact on your behavior and performance. Research from Cornell University indicates that approximately 83% of top performers demonstrate high levels of self-awareness, while only 2% of low performers have this capability (Eurich, 2018).

Have your favorite leaders been self aware?

Individuals with strong self-awareness share several distinctive characteristics. They can detect subtle shifts in their emotional state before those emotions escalate, allowing for early intervention. They understand their specific emotional triggers and patterns, enabling them to prepare for challenging situations. They're attuned to the physical manifestations of emotions in their body — recognizing, for instance, that tension in their shoulders signals rising anxiety. Perhaps most importantly, they can see themselves as others see them, which prevents blind spots that could otherwise derail their professional relationships and advancement opportunities.

This heightened self-awareness serves as a preventative measure against costly mistakes and impulsive decisions that often stem from unrecognized emotional influences.

THE PATH

My journey with emotional intelligence continues to evolve. I've learned that while some aspects of EQ may have been instilled during my upbringing, all dimensions can be developed through intentional practice and reflection.

The professional advantages are undeniable, but the personal benefits — deeper relationships, greater resilience, and improved well-being — may be even more valuable.

For those looking to enhance their emotional intelligence, the good news is that unlike IQ, emotional intelligence can be significantly improved throughout adulthood. The key is creating space for reflection, seeking honest feedback, practicing emotional regulation techniques, and approaching interpersonal interactions with genuine curiosity rather than reactive judgment.

The idea that emotional intelligence is a form of "silent generational wealth" is echoed in research showing that EI can be cultivated through upbringing and intentional practice, and that its benefits extend to resilience, well-being, and relationship quality.

The silent wealth of emotional intelligence may not appear on balance sheets or résumés, but its impact reverberates through every aspect of professional success and personal fulfillment. In a world increasingly dominated by technical skills and artificial intelligence, our human capacity for emotional understanding and connection may prove to be our most valuable asset.

ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY REGULATED?

Here are 10 signs someone can assess themselves by to see if they have good emotional regulation:

• Recovery time - How quickly do you return to baseline after being upset? People with strong emotional regulation can calm themselves down relatively quickly after experiencing intense emotions.

• Proportional responses - Do your emotional reactions match the situation? Good regulation means you don't overreact to minor issues or underreact to serious ones.

• Pause before responding - Can you create space between feeling an emotion and acting on it? Regulated individuals don't immediately react when triggered.

• Physical awareness - Do you notice physical signs of emotion (racing heart, tense shoulders) before losing control? This awareness creates opportunity for intervention.

• Maintaining relationships - Do emotional outbursts rarely damage your important relationships? Or grudges?

• Comfort with discomfort - Can you tolerate uncomfortable emotions without immediately seeking escape (through substances, endless scrolling, excessive distraction, etc.)?

• Emotional vocabulary - Are you able to accurately name your feelings with specificity beyond just "good," "bad," "fine," or "upset"?

• Feedback receptivity - Can you receive constructive criticism without becoming defensive? Good regulation allows processing potentially threatening information.

• Stress performance - How well do you function under pressure? People with strong emotional regulation maintain cognitive abilities during stressful situations.

If you don't love your score, your uncontrolled feelings may be shortcutting your potential.

PATH FORWARD

Let’s make this easy to remember. You have a map of your life, and your volatile emotions will all-but-guarantee you don’t get there.

THE MAPS METHOD TO CHECK YOURSELF

M - Monitor: Set regular check-in times (morning, midday, evening) when you pause for 30 seconds to scan your emotional state.

A - Acknowledge: Name the emotion(s) you're experiencing without judgment. Research from UCLA found that simply labeling emotions reduces their intensity by activating the prefrontal cortex.

P - Physical: Identify where you feel the emotion in your body. Create a personal "emotional body map" noting your typical physical responses (e.g., tight jaw = frustration, butterflies = anxiety).

S - Situation: Connect the emotion to the situation or trigger. Over time, pattern recognition emerges, allowing you to anticipate emotional reactions before they occur.

This tool is particularly effective because it creates a structured routine for practicing self-awareness. The physical component is especially important since body awareness often precedes cognitive awareness of emotions.

By developing your emotional intelligence through these practices, you're not only transforming your own life but potentially breaking cycles and creating that silent wealth for generations to come. The question is: what step will you take today?

What would you add?